I used to be the type of person that felt it was better to be guarded
than to put myself out there. Although this type of behaviour kept me safe and
comfortable, I’ve recently realised that there is so much more gained in
embracing the negatives as well as the positives in my life. Understanding
your limitations, your strengths, your values and your fears inevitably makes
you more accountable for your actions. In knowing yourself, you gain
insight on the inner worlds of others. Understanding how others feel will lead
to a profound sense of responsibility, but also a renewed appreciation for
existence. I would like to explain my current point-of-view and hopefully
inspire others to practice a little more kindness in their daily lives.
I’ve been watching a lot of Brené Brown, lately. If you’re
unfamiliar with her work, she is a research professor at the University of
Houston who specialises in vulnerability, shame and empathy. There is an
incredible warmth and self-acceptance to Brown that makes me gravitate toward
her, again and again. Her many anecdotes have a tinge of self-deprecating
humour; she possesses an ability to stay humble despite presenting a speech to
a packed, riveted audience. In her Netflix special, The call to courage,
she practices her own version of vulnerability by recalling how exposed she
felt after one of her TED talks. For the talk, she decided to go off-script
from her usual repertoire, leading to a pronounced sense of exposure. After the
speech, she found herself scouring through the video’s comment section,
eventually discovering some negative commentary about her weight. She talked
about the damaging effect that it had on her self-esteem, to the point where
she needed to reflect on why exactly she felt upset about comments from strangers.
This isn’t a conversation that I’ve had with anyone
directly, but I imagine that many of us are far too self-critical. We ruminate
over silly mistakes, compare ourselves to our heroes and find ourselves
repeatedly coming short (even with outside assurances and information that
differs). Despite continuous contrary evidence, we still manage to feel like
failures, fueling a latent imposter syndrome. Though many of us may pretend
like we’ve all got it together - there are millions of people struggling to
make ends meet, millions of people with work stress and millions of people who
have no idea how to make their relationships work (myself included).
Johann Hari, author of the book Lost connections:
uncovering the real causes of depression and the unexpected solutions,
locates the source of many of the mental health issues plaguing modern society
(such as anxiety, depression and stress) to a loss of personal connection, even
though we are more ‘in-touch’ than ever (thanks
to the Internet). As our interactions have lateralised, the organic bonds felt
in smaller, more tight-knit communities are no longer as strong. Why speak to
your neighbour when you can send them an angry WhatsApp about their constantly
barking dog? These types of aggressive actions, albeit minute, can estrange
individuals and drive wedges in already distant relations.
We need to be able to connect while still maintaining and
respecting our own boundaries. We need to stop taking easy outs and learn to
speak to one another again – to share our lived experiences and to listen to
the wisdom of others. The establishment
of close bonds can only happen through healthy, open communication – through judgment,
our ability to connect is inhibited.
On the topic of establishing connection, I think there is a
human tendency to focus on flaws. Concurrently,
when someone tells us the truth about our behaviour, especially if it is
negative, the immediate reaction is to feel hurt instead of contemplating the
critique from an emotional distance. The result of our shared criticality (apparently this is a word) is an
expectation of perfectionism from virtually everyone. We live in a production
driven society with high (or even impossible standards) where everything is
expected to function at 100% all the time. Many believe that if they work
harder, or get more money, they’ll finally reach the level of happiness that
they deserve. When people don’t meet the (sometimes unrealistic) expectations
they’ve set for themselves, it can lead to negative self-commentary and even
self-destruction. Our egos are simultaneously prone to fragility and
conflation, depending on the circumstance, and whether we successfully fulfil
this invisible standard.
The sad part is that our lack of perfection may be utterly,
disappointingly true. We could be more annoying and unimpressive than we’d like
to believe. There are times when your jokes fall flat, you look hideous when
you leave the house and you smell so bad that your colleagues talk about it for
days. Nonetheless, we are all still worthy of love despite our flaws. In
our current global, political climate there is an underlying, nefarious
sentiment that if you are unproductive, you are completely useless. Such a way
of thinking does not consider that productivity requires a certain clinical approach
that ignores mental health, bodily sickness or plain old exhaustion. It is
impossible to always be useful, positive and productive.
I sincerely believe that the path to happiness is not disavowing
our awful parts, but just simply accepting them. This approach doesn’t mean
that we have to be dismissive of bad behaviour, rather, we need to focus on
accepting the trials and tribulations that come with ‘the bad’ (if we choose to
label it as such) and adopting an unchanging sense of self-worth despite
circumstances.
The fortunate part of the ‘downs’ in our lives, is that we can
(eventually?) pick ourselves up and those around us that need picking up.
There is a propensity to resist thinking others are going through the same
things as you. This comes out when we tell ourselves that we are different from others or that “No one will
understand us”. There is no reason for us to protect ourselves to the
point where we can’t reach out to a neighbour, a friend, or a family member. This
is where acts of kindness come in. Kindness is not just something that we do or
feel, but also the knowledge that there is an inherent sameness that unites our
human experiences (some might argue that the inner-lives of animals are just as
rich as humans, but I have not done enough research to say).
Instead of pretending that our bad moments are shameful, we need
to be brave enough – to be vulnerable enough – to admit that we all go through
terrible times. I have embarrassed myself more times than I can count (though,
you could probably ask some of my family members and they can give you an
accurate number). I’ve watched other people embarrass themselves. A profound
sense of humility can arise when we realise that we’re all flawed and fallible,
yet still incredibly beautiful, and yes, still unique and very much worthy of all the good things in life.
